Biały Brzeg · Journal
Nobody but me ever used the word “cult”.
One moment — we are checking that you are not a robot.
Two years in a group with a master, ceremonies and a 33rd-level medal that is still in my drawer. Only later did I see that the wall stood mainly inside my own head — and that the state I lived in has a diagnosis.
The Journal is a record from the inside. The first entries were written before I knew that name, the later ones from the shore. A new entry on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
- “It is not chaos. It is the opposite of chaos — the world becomes too coherent.”Journal · The raw record
- “I am to light the candle he gave me.”Journal · Backtesting level 33
- “I went mad remotely, and now I am being treated remotely.”Journal · The new prescription
A book grew out of this record. If you agree to receive messages when you create an account, you will be the first to know when and where it comes out.
Reading is free until the end of 2026. An account takes an email address — no password, the link arrives in your inbox.
Create an accountJournal · Pablito · 23 October 2026 · ▶ 2:41
Unstable
“That word is easily heard as a verdict on the whole person, rather than a description of what someone is observing.”
My wife said I am unstable. It made me furious. The algorithm said I have a right to feel that way. And that the word is easily heard as a verdict on…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 21 October 2026 · ▶ 1:54
The illusion
“Courage and sincerity are not enough to stand in the truth.”
The account of the four zeros had a second version. The one I wrote not for the meeting. The longer one, with an ending I did not read out loud…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 19 October 2026 · ▶ 1:55
The threshold
“The threshold is set at the level of one sentence in your head: I have had enough.”
I told the algorithm I had joined the fellowship. I did not sign up. I joined. Two acts: the act of will to stop drinking and the act of joining a…
Read →White Whisper · Pablito · 18 October 2026 · ▶ 5:31
7. The Neighbour
“I keep pounding with my fists. The police car’s door opens on the driver’s side. I hear a shout: “Neighbour! What are you doing?“”
I keep pounding with my fists. The police car’s door opens on the driver’s side. I hear a shout: “Neighbour! What are you doing?” I freeze. I look at…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 16 October 2026 · ▶ 1:45
The shortcut through time
“Instead of waiting a few years until I deserve it, I can start living from that place today.”
I have a theory about forgiveness. Imagine a point in the future. A few years from now. A man who has changed, who has understood, who does not…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 14 October 2026 · ▶ 2:41
Thorns
“A thorn is a memory with a frozen emotion inside it.”
I have a theory about pulling out thorns. A thorn is trauma understood as a memory with a frozen emotion inside it. When we hit one, the brain takes…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 12 October 2026 · ▶ 8:21
Four zeros
“When a liar tells the truth, he is still a liar — for a moment he simply becomes an anomaly.”
I stood up at a meeting. I heard voices telling me to sit down, but I said I wanted to stand — because I have ADHD and it is easier for me to speak…
Read →White Whisper · Pablito · 11 October 2026 · ▶ 3:59
6. Everything Is in the Corner
“I want to get to the other side of the fence. No use. The fence is new, panelled, very high.”
I want to get to the other side of the fence. No use. The fence is new, panelled, very high. Nothing to put a foot on, no way to pull yourself up. I…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 9 October 2026 · ▶ 2:41
Dimensions
“I had the impression I was seeing her as if for the first time.”
Something happened after we came back from padel. I had the impression that I had moved into another dimension. That I was seeing Bella as if for the…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 7 October 2026 · ▶ 1:56
Bob’s God
“The programme is simple — it is people who complicate it.”
I asked about the thinking of Bob Smith. The doctor from Akron, co-founder of the fellowship. The programme is simple — it is people who complicate…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 5 October 2026 · ▶ 1:58
What we want
“There is wanting out of lack and wanting out of direction. They sound identical. Inside they are two different worlds.”
I asked how we know that we want something. There is wanting out of lack and wanting out of direction. They sound identical. Sometimes they point to…
Read →White Whisper · Pablito · 4 October 2026 · ▶ 9:56
5. Grześki
“In the end I agreed to go to the doctor. I was to go with my father. And at that moment my father appears. In his hand he has a box of Grześki.”
In the end I agreed to go to the doctor. I was to go with my father. And at that moment my father appears. In his hand he has a box of Grześki…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 2 October 2026 · ▶ 3:12
Loops of tension
“Fear after the truth comes and goes. Tension only accumulates.”
I told her the truth. I said there are moments when I would like to run away from home. That I think about a new life. That this is the kind of…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 30 September 2026 · ▶ 2:18
The diamond
“She is the diamond. She is the thing I am supposed to be guarding.”
We drove to the DIY store as a whole family. Flowers. Tiles. Screws to fix the sun lounger. On the trampolines my wife had the diamond round her…
Read →Frames · MAG · 28 September 2026 · provisional
Palms Announce Nothing
Flags and palms under the same sky. Maybe that's why the palms are easier to look at.
Read →Journal · Pablito · 28 September 2026 · ▶ 2:32
The contract
“Conditional trust. I keep to the rules — I have access. I break them — I lose everything.”
Kacper asked for a games subscription. Not for the first time. The difference is that this time he proposed a contract. Conditional trust. I keep to…
Read →White Whisper · Pablito · 27 September 2026 · ▶ 5:50
4. On Three
“Suddenly there are several people around me. Commotion. People to my left and right. A doctor, a woman. I get an injection.”
Suddenly there are several people around me. Commotion. People to my left and right. A doctor, a woman. I get an injection. I feel them unbuckle the…
Read →Frames · MAG · 25 September 2026 · provisional
Someone Is Surely Walking There
The path doesn't end suddenly; it goes quiet, like a sentence spoken softer and softer.
Read →Journal · Pablito · 25 September 2026 · ▶ 2:44
The toilet seat
“The toilet seat was ready for collection. Mrs Halina helped me fit it.”
Read →Frames · MAG · 23 September 2026 · provisional
Nobody's Yet
On the sand, the footprints of yesterday's people and one orange speck of today's. The pier still burns yesterday's lights.
Read →Journal · Pablito · 23 September 2026 · ▶ 2:05
The spy
“It is the story of a woman who refused to be what the world wanted her to be.”
I asked for a summary of Coelho’s novel about Mata Hari. It is not a story about a spy. It is the story of a woman who refused to be what the world…
Read →Journal · Pablito · 21 September 2026 · ▶ 2:54
The narcissist and the mirror
“Empathy has a biological root. The difference is not in the biology. It is in the processing.”
I asked about mirror neurons. The mechanism is simple. Nerve cells that fire both when you act and when you watch someone else act. I see someone…
Read →White Whisper · Pablito · 20 September 2026 · ▶ 4:23
3. With One Eye
“I’m strapped so tight that my head lies turned to the right. I can see with one eye only. With that one eye I watch the world.”
They pull out the stretcher. They push me into the hospital. Automatic doors open. I’m strapped so tight that my head lies turned to the right. I can…
Read →Frames · MAG · 20 September 2026 · provisional
A Beach the Rocks Kept for Themselves
Every few seconds the wave redraws the border, as if the first time it came out crooked.
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